Caroline

Caroline.  That's what I named my baby.  The little girl I miscarried at ten weeks.  At least that's what I call her in my head.  I've never said it out loud.  I've never even shared it with my husband, even though it was a name he picked.  I just can't.  It's still too hard.  Too hard to say.  So I write.

At ten weeks babies are still too little to determine gender but to me she was always a girl.  Her life was short but it changed mine forever.  She mattered.

At 6wks pregnant I was just getting back from a trip with my Mom and Sister.  We had gone to NYC to celebrate my 30th birthday.  It was awesome.  But after we landed I went to the restroom and realized I was bleeding.  A lot.  So once I got home I told my husband we needed to get to the ER asap.  I was poked and prodded until finally at three in the morning I was released.  They told me the baby looked great!  That the blood was probably implantation bleeding.  They were concerned however that I seemed to have difficulty draining my bladder for my ultrasound.  I was told to schedule an appointment with a urologist because they were worried I might have a mass in my bladder.

So I did.  I saw a urologist and had a very expensive and VERY unpleasant procedure done to look in my bladder to make sure everything was on the up and up.  That tinny hole is meant for exiting only.  I can not articulate how painful it is to have something shoved in the out door.  Use your imagination.  Luckily my bladder checked out to be just fine.  What a relief.  I'm not going to lie, I was pretty cranky that I went through all that for nothing but hey, better to be on the safe side.  Right?

A few weeks later I went in for my first OB appointment at 8wks.  During my exam my mid-wife felt a large mass in my abdomen.  Either I was farther along than I thought, I was carrying multiples, or something else was amiss.  I didn't see how I could be off on the dates.  I had just had an ultra sound in the ER that confirmed my timeline.  The idea of twins was terrifying but not as scary as the possibility of something being seriously wrong.  I was scheduled for an ultrasound later that day.

The ultrasound showed two things.  The first was that my "bladder" that the ER tech said I couldn't empty was not my badder at all.  In fact, it was a giant cyst on my left ovary.  I sure some people will defend the tech and even the radiologist who insisted I had a mass in my bladder but guess what?  I'm still PISSED.  I know those things look all weird and grainy to me but they are supposed to be professionals.  This is THEIR JOB!!  Not only did I go through a horrible invasive procedure for nothing but I walked around for two weeks with a giant mass in my ovary!  This cyst by the way was growing at a crazy hyper rate due to all of the pregnancy hormones swimming around in my body.  It was eight months ago and I still shake with rage when I think about it. 

The second and scarier thing this ultrasound showed was that our baby was not looking so hot.  Her heart rate was a little lower than they normally like to see and her sack was funny shaped.  That's not the words they used, I'm paraphrasing here.  We were told to schedule another ultrasound in a week to check on her progress.  We were also told to expect the worse.  I was devastated.  I tried for the next week to be optimistic.  And by be optimistic I mean tried not to think about it at all.

We went to our next ultrasound and to everyone's surprise our Little Bean looked better than ever.  Her heart rate was strong and she had progressed along nicely in the last seven days.  We were relieved, well kinda.  Everything had been such a roller coaster   I just started to feel numb.  first I was pregnant, then I had a mass in my bladder, then I had ginormous cyst, then my baby was going to die, now my baby was fine.  I didn't know how to react to anything anymore.  Not to mention we still had those pesky cyst to deal with.  There were two.  One on the left side and one on the right.  I don't remember exactly how large they were at that point but they were growing.  I was told I would not be able to carry my baby to term with them in there so they would have to come out.  Surgery was too risky until after the first trimester so we would have to wait and monitor.  I was scheduled for another appointment two weeks later.

When we went back two weeks later we learned that out baby's heart beat was gone.  She didn't make it past 10wks.  We were devastated.  I wasn't numb anymore.  I was promptly scheduled for surgery.

We thought it was over.

Flashback to be continued...    

So Much For My Poker Skills...

I’m pretty sure I picked the worst time of year to start a blog.  Not only was it right before the Holidays but my travel schedule for work really amps up this time of year.  I spent the last two weeks in Florida and Memphis and next month I’ll be back in Florida for a week.  I just haven’t been able to figure out a way to squeeze writing in while I’m on the road.  So for now, updates upon my return will just have to do.

Baby Makin Update:

This month was not our month.  Fourteen days after our insemination our test was negative.  I was more disappointed than I expected to be.  Not a deep dark depression by any means but definitely sad.  I really thought I was pregnant.  I swore there were symptoms.  I guess they were all in my head. 

I’m trying to be optimistic.  The internets tell me that the success rate of conception after three rounds of IUI is 70%-85%, depending on the reasons for infertility and the source you are looking at.  So, round one is out of the way, on to round two! 

This round is going to be different.  First of all Captain has doubled my dose of the fancy drugs.  Good for the baby makin, not so good for the pocketbook.  At this point though, the money seems pretty inconsequential.  I guess we just got used to going to the doctor and dropping a couple hundred bucks.  Secondly, this go-round we know what to expect.  I’ve done my research and I’m ready for it.  This time I determined to make it more fun.

Throwing money out the window can be fun!  You can’t take it with ya, so let’s make it rain up in this bitch!  Those were my exact words to the Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy lady after she told me my total.  It was $839.40 for my drugs this cycle.  I mean, in case you’re curious.  Ok, so maybe I’m not totally over it but I’m working on it.  Now that we know what to expect we can stop being nervous about what will come next and start making jokes about the jack-off room.  Trust me, that is very fun.  I’m in the middle of trying to convince my husband to show up with a giant stack of porn when he goes in to make his contribution.  So far it’s a no-go but I think I’m making progress. 

Also, I’m going to be less disturbed by the mandated “face time” and just have fun with it.  Don’t get me wrong, I love me some “face time” but it’s odd to be instructed when and how it has to go down.  So odd that last month it got well, awkward.  I mean first time, not sure what to do, or what to put where, awkward.  You know, painful, first day of junior high with braces, awful.  But not this month people!  We are going to have fun!  Shit just got weird, how did you do that, FUN!!
 

The Odds. Aren't we all playing them?

Happy New Year!! 

Three days late, but hey, it’s the thought that counts right?? 

We have been very busy on all fronts.  We had company in town for the Holidays, hosted Christmas for my husband’s family, and dropped $1,159 at the baby makin doctor!

To bring you up to speed on the baby makin, we are currently smack in the middle of our two week wait.  It’s when we twiddle our thumbs for two weeks and wait to see if all the pokes, stabs and injections worked!  According to all of the millions of message boards dedicated to the subject of infertility this is supposed to be the worst part.  I’m inclined to disagree.  I think the nine weeks after I find out I’m pregnant will be the worse part.  It seems unfair that instead of being excited about my Big Fat Positive (BFP) I will be terrified.  Terrified that we won’t make it out of that first trimester.  I guess that’s my cross to bear.  It could be worse.

When I initially went to the internets to read up on some of this fertility junk I was caught off guard.  I didn’t expect it to be so sad.  Yes, in hindsight I realize that was ridiculous.  The women on the message boards are, for lack of a better word, desperate.  Desperate to become mothers.  They have spent thousands of dollars and gone through countless procedures with no results.  Reading the stories and advice they had posted for each other left me feeling down right defeated.  Does any of this work for anyone?  I asked Captain about it and she said, “The women who get pregnant have babies.  They don’t have time to post on message boards.”  So I’m going to go ahead and cling to that. The Odds are just devastatingly low.

When I was told that insemination (IUI) was Captains recommendation my first question was, “How much is this going to run me?”  That might seem like a superficial concern to some, considering the ultimate result is (fingers crossed) a tinny human.  But, if there is one thing I HAVE learned about all this fertility stuff it’s that it is pretty spendy.  We are paying for all of this out of pocket people.  Payment is expected before any procedures and as far as I can tell there is no payment plan.  Now keep in mind that we had already shelled out $600 on blood work and ultra sounds so when the nurse told me it was going to be another $580 for the insemination I wanted to know what I was gettin for my money.

I asked her what the odds were of us conceiving though intercourse.  Now keep in mind that I had been on the fancy (read expensive) injectables to grow the good eggs and I would be taking a “trigger shot” to induce ovulation.  I figured that with my fancy super egg and all the guessing taken out of ovulation that it would pretty much be a done deal.  This is where my ignorance is just downright embarrassing.  Do you know what she said our odds were???  I’ll tell you, 20%.  You read that right, TWENTY PERCENT! 

Did you know that a normal couple has only a 15%-20% chance of conceiving every month through normal intercourse?!?!  I certainly did NOT!  I maintain that my eighth grade health teacher LIED TO ME!!  I remember after that class feeling like if a wiener got anywhere near me I would instantly be pregnant!!  Doomed to be a high school dropout, never to amount to anything more than a name on a welfare check.  LAIR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE MRS. K. LAIR, LIAR!

OK, sorry.  I got a little off topic.  Let’s circle back to my convo with the nurse.  After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I asked her what our odds were if we did the insemination.  Now these odds have to be pretty stellar right?  I mean the trigger shot is going to make sure the egg shows up to the party and the sperm are being dropped off at the front door.  So play that funky music white boy because this fiesta just got REAL!!  Hahaha, laughs reality.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Do you know what she said our odds were???  DO YOU!?!?!?!  25%.  I pointed out that that was over $100 a percentage point and if you ask me, as far as value goes, that’s pretty crappy.  She was unmoved.  She told me to talk it over with my husband and get back to her. 

My husband and I talked about it.  Captain actually called us to point out another upside to the IUI is that there would be a semen analysis as part of the process.  Since we hadn’t done one yet it was kind of like a twofer.  After weighing all the pros and cons we decided to go for the insemination.  Sounds crazy right?  $580 for 5 percentage points.  I know.  We were pretty pot committed though and you don’t have to play many hands of poker to know that a 5% chance on the turn can be all you need to win.