4-22-14 Graduation Part II

We made it!  Our appointment today went mostly well.  The baby looks great and the bleed in my uterus continues to resolve itself.  Unfortunately though, I’ve developed this pesky rash that is scattered all over my body and itches like hell.  I asked the nurse about it and her reply was, “I’m not a dermatologist.”  Dermatologist or not she certainly IS a Bitch!  Most of the nurses in Captains office are very sweet.  This gal and I however have never gotten along.  She has the bedside manner of a rabid dog.

Anyway, they called with my blood work and said everything looks great.  They took me off the butt shots, PRAISE THE LORD HALLELUIAH, and instructed me on how to wean of the progesterone.  Then they told me we had graduated!  They were even kind enough to make my first OB appointment for me.  If the OB Captain recommended for is half as good as her I’ll consider myself lucky. 

4-9-14 Graduation

We had another ultra sound yesterday.  The little guy measured 1.33cm or 7wks 4days.  It was pretty cool.  We got to hear the heart beat which clocked in at a healthy 140bpm, and we got to see the little buds that will become arms and legs!

All my hormone levels came back good so we don’t go back for two weeks.  Then if everything is progressing right along I’ll get to quit the but shots!!!  Remember those?  Yeah, I’ve been getting two of those a day since the end of February.  My ass has about a billion holes in it.  I can’t remember the last time I could feel it.

We also found out that I don’t “graduate” to an OB until 12wks.  I was relieved to hear it.  Some RE’s have their patients move to an OB at 8wks!!  I don’t think I could handle that.  I just feel so safe in her capable hands.  I am NOT excited about cutting that cord.  I just don’t trust anyone else.

4-4-14 Team Green?

I don’t want to find out the sex of our baby and J does.  Usually when we come to a crossroads like this one of us can persuade the other into agreement.  In this case, neither of us is budging.  I just think it will be fun for it to be a surprise!  Not just for us but for our friends and family.  We are at a point in our lives when many of our friends are having babies and I’ll admit, I do get more excited for the births of the babies that have some mystery behind them.  I have friends that hold back on sharing the name and that’s fun too.  It’s just not as exciting to get the phone call that says “We had a girl and her name in Jane!” when you’ve known that for two months.

I’m still open for some discussion.  If J can come up with a real strong argument I might be able to be swayed but I know we will at least keep the name a secret.  The only factor that has me leaning towards finding out the gender is the whole naming business.   We can’t come to agreement on one name, I don’t know how we are going to come up with two.  I predict the process will be long and painful.  If we found out the gender than maybe it would be half as long and half as painful?

4-2-14 No Manners

Would whoever decided to leave a half empty tin of sardines in the break room trashcan please send me an email so I may come puke on your lap.  Seriously, who eats sardines?  At work??  NO ONE wants to smell that shit, especially the pregnant women with a ninja nose who is struggling through morning sickness.  Also, she is always tired and therefor cranky.  For reals, she has no manners.

3-31-14 Just when I thought this couldn’t get worse

I’m cranky.  Stomp my feet, clutch my arms tightly over my chest, throw my head back and scream through tears, cranky.  If I thought someone would care, I’d through a giant sized temper tantrum right now.  I’m so tired.  Tired of being scared, tired of but shots, and mostly tired of not having any control over any of it.

Friday night J and I were lying around watching TV and I started bleeding.  Well first there was a clot and then some blood and then I freaked out.  We went in to the ER.  I assumed this was the end.  I figured they would do an ultra sound, confirm the miscarriage, give me my Rhogam shot and send me on my way.  I’d go home, drink a bottle of wine, cry myself to sleep and call Captain in the morning.  None of that happened.  I went to the ER but when they called Captain to ask how she wanted then to proceed she told them to send me home.  Apparently she doesn’t appreciate anyone else touching her patients.  We were told to go in to her office at seven the next morning.

Finally the next morning we were seen.  Captain did an ultra sound and found a bleed in my uterus.  She says they are very common.  She also added that I probably wouldn’t believe her.  You bet your sweet ass I don’t believe her.  Really?  Uterus’s bleed all the time during healthy preganancies??  BULLSHIT.  Oh look, there’s some of that temper tantrum.  The good news though is that the baby is fine.  Apparently he’s chillin on the other side of my uterus.  J got to see the heartbeat and the little guy was measuring at 6w1day.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m relieved and incredibly grateful the baby is OK, I’m just over all of this other crap.

 

If I’m honest with myself, I don’t believe this pregnancy will make it to full term.  Maybe it’s because none of my pregnancies have.  Maybe it’s because of all the issues I’ve already had, or maybe it’s just my brain’s way of protesting itself.  I am left wondering though, as this pregnancy does progress, when will that change?  When will I actually start believing that we will have a healthy baby this fall? 

3-26-14 A Post About Poop, or rather another post about poop.

You know how boys are gross and will come out of the bathroom and proudly proclaim, “I feel about ten pounds lighter.”  I totally get that now.  A few hours after I took a few stool softeners on Tuesday I finally pooped.  I felt so light I thought I was going to float away.  The cramping was gone.  It was AMAZING.  It made me even more determined to keep things moving.

I’ve been on my regiment for a few days now and the reviews so far are mixed.  The “go” is easier but not more frequent.  I’m going to swap the stool softener for a fiber supplement.  I’m sure you’ll all be holding your breath, waiting to find out if I can successfully regulate my bowel movements.

Ok, enough about crap.  Let’s talk about morning sickness.  What a Bitch.  This morning on my way to work I had to pull over to vomit.  Except that, then I didn’t.  I’m not much of a puker.  When my stomach is upset it just tends to stay that way.  Rarely do I get the sweet relief of throwing-up whatever is making me feel ill.  I probably haven’t thrown up in years.  This morning though, I was sure it was going to happen.  I pulled over, started sweating, my mouth began to water, opened the car door, leaned out, and… nothing.  Nothing but an awful gurgle in my stomach and a small burp.  And  now I continue to feel like crap.  Awesome.

It might seem weird that a person who has tried so hard to GET pregnant would complain so much about BEING pregnant.  I guess I just thought that since I had to go through so much physically and emotionally to get pregnant I was owed an easy pregnancy.  I feel like I should get to be one of those women who feel great and look awesome for all nine months.  I guess I’m just an entitled brat like that. 

3-25-14 BOOOORRRING

Well that was uneventful.  On the bright side though, everything looks good.  We got to see the gestational sac and the yolk sac but that was about it.  It’s still too early to see anything else.  All my blood work came back good too.  I thought I would feel more relief, but I guess I’ll just have to take what I can get.  I go back in a week to see the heartbeat.  I don’t think I’ll actually really believe that a baby will be coming until we are out of the first trimester.  At least I hope it clicks by then.

On a lighter note, Captain told me I needed to take a crap.  Progesterone slows down your digestion which can easily lead to constipation.  Because of my previous miscarriages my progesterone levels are monitored frequently and supplemented twice a day to ensure they are on the high end of normal. My last blood test put my progesterone at 59 ng/ml.  Normal levels can range from 9-47 during the first trimester.  To be blunt, at this point I’m full of shit.  So full in fact they couldn’t get a look at my left ovary because my bowel was in the way.

Anyone who suffers from endometriosis will tell you that it can make all things dealing with the latter half of the digestion process uncomfortable and at times painful.  So in my abdomen right now I have a uterus that is trying to grow, lesions and scar tissue from my endo, and apparently a truckload of crap.  All these things fighting against each other is why I am so crampy and uncomfortable.  She told me take a stool softener and up my fiber intake.  That should help me stay regular and prevent any future panic attacks.

I did some research online and came up with a self-prescribed regiment to avoid any future backups.  I’m basically willing to try anything.  I’m going to eat a yogurt every morning, take a stool softener every day, and drink prune juice every night.  I generally do a good job of eating lots of fruits and vegetables but I will also be sure to stay conscious of that.  I’m hoping those things combined will keep everything moving in the right direction. 

3-24-14 12 Days might as well be forever

We are pretty much caught up now.  I go in for said ultra sound tomorrow and it has been the longest twelve days of my life.  My head is swirling with excitement, fear, and enough google searches to break the internets.  It’s all justifiable though I assure you.

With how high my Betas levels were there is a very real possibility we could be having twins.  J loves this idea.  He thinks it would be fantastic.  I’m, absolutely terrified.  When they ask you how many embryos you want to transfer two seems like a no-brainer.  Two shots for the price of one, right?  When I found out that two could actually come back out I started to hyperventilate a little!  Maybe it’s because two of my closest friends just had babies so I’ve recently been reminded how hard infants are and how little sleep Mom gets.  Doing that x2 seems basically impossible.

Also, I’ve been having some spotting and cramping.  It’s pretty terrifying.  I understand that my endometriosis increases the likelihood and intensity of these “normal” pregnancy symptoms but quite frankly, I’m over it.  It’s absolutely nerve racking and even if things are going downhill there is absolutely nothing that can be done at this point.  I’ve learned that you either make it through the first trimester or you don’t.  Other than hormone supplementation there is basically nothing modern medicine can do to change the outcome of a pregnancy at this point.

Basically my only option is to suck it up and wait.  I hate that.  Hopefully tomorrow will bring some reassurance.

Now Come The Numbers

That was the longest morning ever.  We had to wait for the lab to process my blood sample.  I knew I was pregnant, but what would my Beta HCG be?  Honestly, I just prayed it was higher than a seven.  I was floored when the call finally came.  120.  ONE FREAKING TWENTY.  That’s a helluva lot better than a seven.  I was scheduled for a second blood test on Thursday with the hopes that that number would double.  I called J and told him the news.  We were still at cautiously optimistic.

Thursday’s Beta came back at 239, one point from double.  Captain was happy with it so we were too.  I was scheduled for an ultra sound 12 days later.  We were more optimistic but still trying to stay a little guarded.

Then Something Funny Happened

A few days after the transfer I had a pretty strong feeling something was cooking in there.  I tried my best to be patient and wait the nine days until we were supposed to go back but ultimately I failed.  I just knew something was different about my body.  I obsessively googled how soon I could possibly take a home pregnancy test and see that second pink line.  People, I didn’t even last that long.  By Friday I was at Walmart looking for my favorite brand.  I had a few more errands to run before going home and I couldn’t even wait THAT long.

I walked into Target and headed straight to the bathroom, pregnancy test tucked into my purse.  I peed on it and then tried to wait patiently in the stall for the three minutes.  You hear a lot of weird things in a Target bathroom if you sit in there quietly for three whole minutes…but that’s for another post.  The test was negative.  I was a little surprised but not discouraged.  It was very early, and test or no test, I knew something was going on.

The next morning I had to use my ninja skills to take another test.  J had already made it very clear that he wanted to wait until we heard it from the doctor.  I think the ups and downs of our IVF cycle had really thrown him and he didn’t want to go through that again.  Rather than respecting his wishes I opted to be a mature adult and just keep it a secret.  So I snuck downstairs, peed on the stick and tucked it under some junk mail, in case he came downstairs.  Then I nervously paced the kitchen for three minutes.

Finally the timer went off.  The loud kitchen timer….I’m a terrible ninja.  I tossed aside the pizza coupons and there, right THERE were my two pink lines.

I could hardly contain myself.  I ran upstairs, jumped back into bed, and woke up J.  Side note: I’m also a terrible secret keeper.

Me: Hypothetically, if I took a pregnancy test would you want to know what it said?

J: Larri, seriously?  You didn’t even it make five days?

Me: Well technically four if you count yesterday.

J: You’re terrible.  Either way I don’t want to know.  I’m waiting until we go to the doctor.

I was kinda bummed but I also totally understood.  We’ve been through a lot and we both need to handle all this stuff in our own way.  I knew how he felt before I took it so I wasn’t surprised by his reservations.  I was just happy to see those lines again.

You’d think I would have been satisfied at that and waited the next few days to go to the doctor.  You’d think.  But then you would be underestimating what a psycho I am.  I took a pregnancy test every morning for the next three days, ya know, just to watch the line get darker.  I told you, complete lunatic.

We went in for my blood draw on Tuesday morning and the nurse asked if I wanted to do a urine test, most women haven’t already taken half a dozen.  I asked J if he would look at this one and he said he would.  So just for him I peed on one more test.  We left the office feeling cautiously optimistic.

Time Warp!!

Guess what?  It’s Spring!  We scheduled our FET cycle to start in February.  Compared to IVF it has been a CAKE WALK.  I called Captain the day I got my period and she started me on estrogen to help the lining of my uterus get nice and thick so hopefully we could get an embryo or two to hang around this time.  My uterus took it’s time, probably because she had been out of commission for a while.  During our sabbatical I had taken the actives of my birth control consecutively so everything had been sort of shut down for nine weeks.

My body did eventually cooperate though.  A few weeks, two ultrasounds and a million tinny tabs of estrogen later, our transfer was scheduled for March 3^rd.  I did have to start those pesky progesterone injections again, but at least I got to skip the stims, retrieval, and the whole bloating up to the size of a house thing.

The transfer itself was pretty much the same as last time minus the selfies.  I also practiced for about a week timing my bladder to figure out exactly how long it took for a bottle of water to fill my bladder and then how long after that I could hold it.  I was determined to fill my OWN bladder the natural way this time!  I even managed to hop into the chair like a pro!  Third time’s a charm I guess.  I was on bed rest again for 24 hours and then I put myself on a modified bed rest the following 24 hours.  I figured better safe than sorry.

At Least I Had A Reason This Time

I know I dropped off the face of the planet again but if it's any consolation I've still been writing.  Just not posting.  After a grueling two years, J and I are finally pregnant!  I tried to MAKE myself document most of it but I'll warn you, it's pretty rough.  Pregnancy has zapped every last bit of my energy so writing even small spinets seems like a chore.  But here ya go, a crap ton of post that kinda sorta document the last few months of our lives.