A Chat with the Man Upstairs

I have a few questions for the big guy.  None of them are about the meaning of life or how to solve world hunger.  I’m not that evolved.  I wanna know why being a chick sucks.  I’m shallow like that. Seriously though, what’s the worst thing a man has to deal with solely because of his gender?  Ear hair?  Wet dreams?  The accidental kick in the balls from time to time?  I WILL TRADE.  I just want to know why God didn’t divide all this crapola up more equaly.  For example:

They take menstral cramps and we’ll keep sore boobs.  We’ll even keep periods and being pregnant for the better part of a year but child birth is all them.  Oh and high heels, they can take that too.  We’ll keep boobs and they can keep balls but the boobs will stay high and tight and the balls will hang to their knees the day after their 30^th birthday.   We’ll take wet dreams off their plate because that actually sounds fun, but they will be expected to remove all body hair including the ear hair that they might was well keep.  Deal?  They would never go for it.  You know why?  Because they know exactly how good they've got it!  That and because they are wimps.

Did I mention I’m a little hormonal crazy right now?  We are a few days into our two week wait.  Maybe it’s the hormones talking but sometimes instead of it being OUR two week wait it feels like MY two week wait.  It’s pretty much all I think about and I’m fairly confident if you asked J what day our two week wait was over he’d struggle to come up with the right answer.  I get it.  I’m the one who regularly wants to stab someone.  I’m the one who’s so bloated she’s about to burst.  I’m the one who feels like she got kicked in the gut.  I’m the one who has to stick beads up my vajayjay twice a day.  It makes total sense that I can’t distract myself for longer than 2.5 seconds while he can’t tell you what day we are on.  It makes sense.  BUT IT’S NOT FAIR!  <<throws head back and stomps feet>>  All he has to do is jiz in a cup.  You think I can get him to trade?  Yeah, I doubt it.

A Quick Update on a Welcomed Respite

OK, so last I posted we had just found out that our last attempt at IUI had failed.  Although it was expected it was pretty hard to take.  I had five mature follies for the love of pete!  FIVE.  I thought we were golden for sure!  I remember thinking to myself that if it doesn’t work with five swimming around in there than we were hosed for sure (let’s hope I’m wrong).

Anyway, so after our second failed attempt I did some quick math for our next cycle and figured out I would be in Orlando for a trade show around the time I would ovulate.  I called my RE’s office and she suggested we take a month off.  She told me I could go on birth control if I wanted or try naturally to conceive this month.  I thought it was a no-brainer.  Of course I’ll try the natural way to get knocked up.  IT’S FREE.  AND FUN.  THER ARE NO NEEDLES!  Did I mention that it’s free?  I was also excited to get to go a whole month without someone shoving a plastic wand up my hoo-ha.  Coat it in all the jelly you want, it still SUCKS.  I was floored.  And relieved.  It was practically nirvana people.  I think I might have done an actual cartwheel.  Unfortunately my math was right on and I ovulated in Florida.  So no dice in Febuary.  No biggie, on to March!

Remember when I thought not going on birth control and trying on our own was a no-brainer?  I’m an idiot.  I went back to the RE in March to find out that in the absence of controlled hormonal balance my endometriosis had made my ovaries its playground.  That bastard!  So the birth control was prescribed and I was told to hang tight for March and hope that the drugs did their thing and some of these darn endometriomas would beat cheeks outa there!  Or at least shrink enough to grow some eggs in there.

So here we are.  April, and for once the endometriosis did what it was supposed to do!  We are back Jack! (Just ignore that little Duck Dynasty reference.  I might be more than a little obsessed.)  I’m back on the fancy egg cooking drugs (Follistim) again and Captain added a new drug (Ganirelix) to stop my body from premature ovulation – different from premature ejaculation.  Kinda similar I guess…  I’m not sure if it’s the new drug or if my body has gone into a full out revolt, but this round of IUI has been different than my other two, and in none of the good ways.  I’m puffier, and crampier.  My eggs don’t seem to be cooking as fast either.  Also, my thighs are killing me from all these dam injections.

This is about the point in my whining where most people cut me off and say “Oh it will all be worth it in the end”.  I usually grit my teeth and nod my head in agreement.  What I’m screaming in my head is IT WILL ONLY BE WORTH IT IF I ACTUALY GET A BABY OUT OF ALL THIS BULLSHIT!  Because let’s be honest, it’s far from guaranteed.  It’s quite possible that I could be doing all of this to myself for nothing.  NOTHING.   OK, pity party over.

I did ask the nurse if there was somewhere else I could stick these needles because I was running out of spots on my legs and she showed me how to give them to myself in my belly.  I tried that.  For a half second!  It hurt like a BITCH.  I’ll stick with my legs thank you very much!  I go back to the doctor tomorrow morning for another ultra-sound to see if my eggs are done.  We could be fertilizing as early as Sunday y’all!

Baby update done.  I’m out! 

Didya Miss Me?

Holy Cow!  Has it really been two months?!?!  I assure you I have good reasons excuses.  First being that we took a little respite from the RE’s office and second being all the freaking traveling I've been doing for work!  I promise I’ll try to do better. 

I believe I owe you some masquerade mask shenanigans.   And I am a woman of my word!  But I forgot to take picture as I went so here is a picture of my mess:

And a Picture of the final product:

I was really happy with how they came out.  For mine I just bought a white mask and attacked it with Elmer’s glue and glitter.  After it dried I went to town with the glue gun and some feathers.  I decided to leave the blue feathers off because they didn't match the blue glitter EXACTLY and I have a touch of the OCD.  J’s was more of a project.  I bought a plain white mask to use as a base and a sheet of black craft foam.  I had to widen the eye holes of the base mask because I’m quite certain it was made for a child.  Then I drew the design I stole from the internets on the foam and cut it out. 

Disclaimer:  I have a confession, I’m only medium crafty.  I can replicate almost anything.  I just don’t have any ideas of my own.  Pretty much everything I've ever made has come from replicating something else in one form or another.  You will find very few original ideas here.

OK, back to the mask.  After I had my foam cut out I glued it to the mask.  Sounds simple enough right?  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Here’s the thing I forgot about.  Foam is flat.  My mask was not.  Luckily for me foam can be pretty pliable.  It took a bit of stretching and sticking but I got it on there looking pretty decent.  The foam was a little wrecked after I got done with it and you could see some of the white from the base mask around the eyes, but  it was nothing a little flat black spray paint couldn't fix.  I then added a touch of glitter to jazz it up a bit and so we could be matchers.  I had to be careful with matching though because if there is one thing J hates it’s matching me.  Serious knock down drag outs have gone down in our house because I refused to change and we were wearing the same shade of gray.  No I am not kidding.  It’s a very serious matter (to him).

Bonus crappy cell phone picture of us wearing them:

OK, so that was the first installment of getting us all caught up.  Tomorrow I’ll bring you up to speed on all the baby makin business.  I PROMISE.