**Warning: This post
got LOOONG. If you don’t have time to
read it, skip down to the last paragraph.
That’s pretty much all you need to know.
A few post ago I mentioned that we were on our two week wait
for the third time. Then I kinda left
ya’ll hanging. Sorry about that. I just really wanted to wait to write this
post until after we had our new game plan.
Here it goes.
I actually got a visit from Aunt Flo the day before I was
supposed to test and as much as I tried to be in denial she was intent on
making her presence KNOWN. I’m not sure
if it’s just me or if there is actually science behind it but after these “assisted”
cycles it feels like she’s angry at me or something. In my head she’s all,“You tried to keep me
away for nine months but you have failed (evil laugh). I will now strike down upon thee with GREAT VENGEANCE and FURIOUS ANGER!”. Is it
just me or does that bitch sound a lot like Samuel L. Jackson?
To put it mildly there was no mistaking this for ANYTHING
other than what it was. Our third IUI
attempt had failed, but being the good little soldier I am I waited a day and
took my pregnancy test. I called the
RE’s office and a nurse called me back.
She explained to me that Captain had written in my chart that the next
battle plan was IVF. I don’t want to
leave the wrong impression here. That
was not the first time I’d heard that.
Captain told me before and during our round of IUI that if it was
unsuccessful that her recommendation would be IVF. But I still didn't want to hear it. It’s a game changer.
I know I've written a lot about the financial burden of all of
this several times. I know all of you
reading this that have children probably think I’m being shallow. You are probably all thinking, “There is no
amount of money that I wouldn't pay for my Angel! He/she is perfect in every way and worth
every penny ever spent on anything in the history of the universe!” and I don’t
doubt that at all. But try to remember
that we are not paying for a baby. We
are paying for the possibility of one.
My husband summed it up best. If
I told you I was going to go to Vegas and put 10 G’s on red you would slap me
in the face, dump a bucket of water on my head, and try to shake the stupid out
of me. Well our odds of this working
are less and our investment is more.
Does that mean we aren't going to go through with it? Not yet.
But for many couples the financial burden of fertility treatments does
prevent them from pursuing their dreams of becoming parents. I pray we don’t get there.
Now while the financial aspect of the process is not going
to stop us at this point, it is still a major stressor. Luckily we have not had to take out any loans
thus far. But we will. IVF is about ten times as expensive as IUI so
we are probably not going to be able to bankroll this shindig without some
assistance. Usually with large purchases
we try to save our money ahead of time and pay cash. We've been pretty successful at this since we
got married. However we don’t have time
to save up for this. I turned 31 on
Friday. Every year after you turn 30
your egg quality decreases. Due to the
endometriomas that my eggs call roommates, mine are already on the crap side of
the quality scale, best to not do anything to make them move further down that
slippery slope. Luckily we have good
credit so we should be able to take out a loan with a relatively low interest
rate. But seriously? Who takes out a fatty loan right before
having a baby?
Also, let’s not forget I do have a better half to think
about and this puts a lot of added pressure on me. Let me be clear, he does not actually DO
anything to make me feel this pressure.
However, my husband runs our finances and when I say runs I mean he
holds himself solely responsible for making sure we can do whatever we want
while keeping our checking account out of the red. He’s amazing like that. Even though he doesn't come out and say it I
know the constant draining of our savings account stresses him out. I in turn, take that on as well. I think if I can somehow MAKE (as if I even
have that ability) this all work then we can stop writing these checks every
other day and he will be less stressed out and his quality of life will be
better. As his wife, I’m always
challenging myself to do everything I can to make his life better.
That is the tip of the iceberg that is all the emotional
stress. The pressure comes from
practically everywhere. You don’t
realize how many people other than you and your husband feel like they have a
dog in this fight. It’s almost like fans
rooting for their favorite sports team.
They really want to see you succeed but they have no REAL way of affecting
the outcome. The only way they know how
to assist you is to scream “helpful suggestions” at the TV screen. I feel selfish for even bringing this
up. We are lucky to have so many people
in our lives that give a shit. BUT, I am
not a TV screen and I am tired of being yelled at. It’s my business if I want to go for two or
kick for the extra point!!! And when you
lose the game? Their face falls like they
were the ones who fumbled in the red zone.
That is pretty heart breaking to see.
While I realize how fortunate we are to have so many friends and family
who are rooting for us, much like the big fat babies we call professional
athletes, at times I have to fight back the urge to stomp my feet at a
post-game press conference and tell everyone to back the eff up and leave me
the eff alone. For the record I think I
only mildly succeeded at this sports metaphor – and that’s probably generous. But were going with it, it’s my party and
I’ll use crappy metaphors if I want to.
OK now that I’ve word vomited all over the internets with
very little direction, let’s get down to the meat of this meal. We are taking a break. When I spoke to the nurse I set up a
consultation appointment with Captain.
Since we ended up in the world of infertility in sort of a backassword
kind of way we never had an initial consultation. I needed that consultation. I wanted a chance to sit down with Captain
and ask all my questions. I wanted to
know more about how my endometriosis was affecting my fertility, why she
thought the IUI was ineffective and why she thought IVF would be more
effective. Part of me maybe just needed
to vent a little and have someone tell me all of my feelings were normal.
Let’s back-up a little.
Before our consultation we had already decided that unless captain told
us something to change our mind we were taking a six month break. We needed it.
We hoped to save up some cashola, J hoped to become a little more stable
at work (he’s finishing out a 90 day contract now and hopes to be offered a
permanent gig soon) and I really wanted to get the ole bod back into
shape. For a gamut of different reasons
I have been forbidden to work out for the past year. I wouldn't say I was a gym rat before then
but I was pretty decent at getting in some cardio at least a few days a
week. Full disclaimer: some weeks I may
have counted doing laundry as cardio.
Between being forbidden from anything more than a brisk walk, emotional
eating, and all these dam hormones wreaking havoc on my metabolism and my
appetite I have managed to become a little fluffy. Other words I've used are puffy and
soft. Amazing how one can use words that
remind you of freshly fallen snow or hot out of the dryer blankets to describe boarder
line obesity. I guess I’m cleaver like
that (I might be exaggerating a little with the whole obesity bit). Dramatic prose aside, I was pretty psyched at
the idea of being able to hit the treadmill and work up a decent sweat.
Fast forward to the consult.
I’d say it went medium. Captain
was extremely patient with me. I asked for
permission to take a six month break and she said that would be fine. As long as I stay on birth control my
endometriosis should stay about the same.
I asked a million questions about why she thought the IUI wasn't working
and why she thought IVF would. How my endometriosis
factored into the whole thing and if there was anything aside from taking the
BC pills that would help minimize its invasion into my abdomen. I even
asked for just one more cycle of IUI.
She said no. She explained everything
and anything to me and it all made sense.
She is the Captain and all. She even
said our chances of success were higher than most couples due largely to my
husband’s phenomenal swimmers (I cannot begin to tell you how tired I am of
hearing that! I get it. You admire his “stuff”. Can we please MOVE ON?!)
Then it happened. All
of my hopes of new gym clothes and dreams of exercise induced adrenalin rushes were
crushed. She told me I would still be
unable to exercise. Specifically she
told me to avoid working up a sweat and that I should not let my heart rate
exceed 110 BPMs. To put it mildly, I had
a shit fit. She went on about studies
and statistics and crap. Something about
evolution and running from danger. I don’t
know I just kept arguing with her. I
explained that it made no sense. Doctors
ALWAYS tell you to exercise. Clearly she
missed that day of med school. She HAD
to be wrong. What kind of baby would
prefer to set up shop in an out of shape uterus? A mistake MUST have been made. Finally she lost her patience. She threw a photo copy of a medical study at
me and told me that every time I longed for sweat to read it. She told me to ask myself, “what would
Caption do?”. She went on to tell me
that this little break in physical activity at my age would not do any damage
to my heart. She explained that my BMI
was still well within the healthy range and that I was basically just being
vain. She told me if I’m really
concerned about it my only option is to cut back my calorie intake. She suggested Weight Watchers. That Bitch.
My husband and I talked it over and even though I’m
convinced that six months is just giving me more time to get fat we are still
going to wait a while. I’m going to look
into the whole Weight Watchers deal though.
I think my Mom and I are going to do it together. It can’t hurt right? We still have the funding piece to figure out
too and it would sure be nice for J to feel a little more stable and thus a
little less stressed. Plus, and this is
a big plus, we are hoping that maybe when J gets a permanent job offer it will
include insurance that covers some of this stuff. Wouldn't that be nice?
In the mean time I have several projects around the house I’d
like to work on. Some of them I’ve
started and even remembered to take pictures of so I could share them on
here. The one I’m most excited about is
our garden! BUT, I have a black
thumb. I've killed everything I've ever
tried to grow. I’m only mildly optimistic
but the temptation of FREE fresh veggies is just too strong for me to ignore. I’ll be sure to post about our progress.
To sum up the summer and the longest blog post ever:
No baby makin, maybe some Weight Watchers, gardening for dummies, hopefully canning for idiots, at least one
family vay-cay, and other random projects I convince my husband need to be done
round the house.
You’re Welcome. (drops microphone and walks off stage)
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