3-31-14 Just when I thought this couldn’t get worse

I’m cranky.  Stomp my feet, clutch my arms tightly over my chest, throw my head back and scream through tears, cranky.  If I thought someone would care, I’d through a giant sized temper tantrum right now.  I’m so tired.  Tired of being scared, tired of but shots, and mostly tired of not having any control over any of it.

Friday night J and I were lying around watching TV and I started bleeding.  Well first there was a clot and then some blood and then I freaked out.  We went in to the ER.  I assumed this was the end.  I figured they would do an ultra sound, confirm the miscarriage, give me my Rhogam shot and send me on my way.  I’d go home, drink a bottle of wine, cry myself to sleep and call Captain in the morning.  None of that happened.  I went to the ER but when they called Captain to ask how she wanted then to proceed she told them to send me home.  Apparently she doesn’t appreciate anyone else touching her patients.  We were told to go in to her office at seven the next morning.

Finally the next morning we were seen.  Captain did an ultra sound and found a bleed in my uterus.  She says they are very common.  She also added that I probably wouldn’t believe her.  You bet your sweet ass I don’t believe her.  Really?  Uterus’s bleed all the time during healthy preganancies??  BULLSHIT.  Oh look, there’s some of that temper tantrum.  The good news though is that the baby is fine.  Apparently he’s chillin on the other side of my uterus.  J got to see the heartbeat and the little guy was measuring at 6w1day.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m relieved and incredibly grateful the baby is OK, I’m just over all of this other crap.

 

If I’m honest with myself, I don’t believe this pregnancy will make it to full term.  Maybe it’s because none of my pregnancies have.  Maybe it’s because of all the issues I’ve already had, or maybe it’s just my brain’s way of protesting itself.  I am left wondering though, as this pregnancy does progress, when will that change?  When will I actually start believing that we will have a healthy baby this fall?